I went into an old, rusty, yellowish white trailer. Mr.
Clown was sitting in a chair in front of the mirror, but his expression didn't
look as happy as it had on the stage a few minutes ago. In the back of the trailer I could see his
bed, not well-made, and on his nightstand vessels with flowers, red and white
roses, and a portrait of an adorable girl. Besides that his room was very
simple. A small wood closet, two different colored clown shoes, and some books
on a shelf. The books were all children's books, and few of them mathematics. I
don't know why a Clown would at least enjoy calculus, but this one does.
I don't think he noticed my father's and my quiet
entrance into the trailer, so I come close to him and pushed his white, yellow
and red striped cape. Mr. Clown looked down towards me with a tired, and
distracted smile. I will never forget his bright blue eyes, so deep that they
seemed fake... Brighter than the most clear blue sea that you can find.
"Nice to meet you, Mr. Clown. I am Mr. Peterson and
this is my 10-year-old daughter Estrela, and my youngest, Luna," my father
said.
"Hi..." said Mr. Clown, standing up. His head
reached six feet tall, while his body was thinner, but strong.
"Well, I hope I'm not bothering you Mr. Clown, but my
daughter Estrela insisted we come to meet you, no matter what."
"Yes, yes, you have to teach me how you did that
magic with the scarves, Mr. Clown!" I said, more excited than anything.
And finally he looked at me with some sparkle in his
eyes.
"What is your favorite color?"
Suddenly Luna started to yell: "I want cotton candy,
Daddy... I want cotton candy, now! Listen, that is the noise of the cotton car
near..."
"Well, I guess Estrela will be in good hands for a
few minutes, won't she Mr. Clown?"
"Don't worry, Mr. Peterson, I have some tricks to
teach her. Go ahead and give some cotton candy to this little lady. I heard our
cotton candy is made from clouds, direct from the sky... but don't tell anyone
that I told you this!"
So, my dad and Luna left.
When I arrived Mr. Clown was taking off his make up, and
now I could see the scar in his face. It was a rough surface in the middle of a
soft baby skin burned from the sun.
While he was teaching me the tricks, I couldn't stop staring at his
scar.
"I am sorry, Mr. Clown, for the scar in your
face," I said, feeling bad for him.
"Don't be sorry, little kid. I got this scar for a
good reason, and if was necessary I'd do it again."
"Poor Mr. Clown, poor Mr. Clown. You don't know what
you are saying... that is the saddest thing to say... who would desire to be
hurt so violently like that?"
"Oh, Estrelinha, when you love with all your heart,
you don't think twice..."
"Who did you love, Mr. Clown?"
"My daughter Sky, little girl..."
"Don't you love her anymore? Where is she? It would
be amazing to have another kid to play with."
"She is gone. I got this scar trying to take her off
from a claws of a lion. But as you can see all that I got was a scar."
"Is that her?" I pointed to the portrait over
his nightstand.
"Yes," he said, holding his hands always in his
thigh while he talked to me. I noticed his hands were sweating and didn't stop
shaking when he tried to gesture.
So I held his hand, and said: "You know, Mr. Clown,
I am pretty sure your daughter still laughs so much at your tricks... What kid
doesn't love clowns?"
"You remind me of my daughter so much, Estrelinha.
That is exactly what she would say. I became a clown for her, little
girl..."
"Really? You are so good, I thought clowns were born
clowns!"
At this moment he looked
at me like he had done something really bad and wrong. But quickly he
recomposed himself, smiled gently, and said:
"Well, I believe that is what normally happens to
clowns. But I did become a clown, because my daughter loved clowns. It is my
way to make my daughter laugh... I listen to her laugh when other kids
laugh."
"Oh, Mr. Clown, if that is the reason, I am sure no
children would care, and will forgive you. Well, I do."
And for the first time I heard his true laugh sounding
loud, relaxed, and warm, he hadn't laughed for so long. I know he is a clown,
but that laugh was different from the one I heard in the stage. Definitely
better.
"You are so innocent, little girl... The world needs
the naivety of a child to have true happiness. I've been travelling around this
country for two years and I haven't seen more truth and peace than in a child's
face."
"Well, it is not because I am a child, but because
my father taught me that I never should lie. Dad always said if we are honest,
all good things will come, in the right time."
"All fathers should be like yours. I am tired of
seeing parents so busy and angry with their children. They never give attention
to them. They bring them to the circus, but never enjoy the presence of a pure
life like yours. They forget the magic before colors, scarves, flowers. Their
eyes are sceptical, in a world where no simple things are important. Simple
moments with their kids can be the most unique. A moment that will never came
back. They don't realize how a lifetime it is not enough to be with someone you
love. Sometimes a loved one is taken away."
At this moment I looked to the ceiling, trying to imagine
his daughter Sky. And at that point I noticed that his ceiling was painted half
with clouds and half with stars, representing the day and the night, like the
real sky. And in the middle has a Scripture saying:
"...Bearing with one another in love. Make every
effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."
I did not know what exactly that meant. But I bet this
had something to do with the anger of parents, when I read the word bearing. So
I said:
"Yes, Mr. Clown we should bear with one another in
love... Love it is that makes us understand how no one is perfect and we learn to
love them even not being perfect."
"So true, little girl... And I feel peace inside,
because the ceiling reminds me that my child it is part of me, came from me,
and her Spirit and mine will always be like one, a unity that cannot be
separated."
Suddenly I heard a knock in the door, and my dad coming
in saying that it was time to go. The last hug is always the hardest one, but I
gave it with all my heart and the strongest that I could to Mr. Clown.
And he answered, hugging me and whispering:
"Thank you for wanting to know more than me as
Clown, but what is going on inside of a Clown. Nice to meet you, my name is Mr.
Smiff."
And Luna started to push me to show the amazing cotton
candy and the picture that she got.
After I left I start to
think how funny it was, because seems so simple for Mr. Smiff to trust that his
daughter didn't leave him. But trust it is something that I do have for people
that I love, so it do make sense. And when you know that someone truly loves
you, you trust that person, you trust that she is never gonna leave you.
While Estrela thought
about what happened during that conversation, Mr. Clown went out from his
trailer and lay down in the grass. He was with an endless smile, letting the
grass absorb him, remembering how his daughter lived as intense as she could.
They enjoyed at the last moment together.
Oh, how she loved the beauty of spring, the green from the grass. Oh,
how Estrela saved him to fall into oblivion.
